The Underbelly of the (Insta)beast

It's early morning; in the hour that the night releases its grip and the morning light eases in a new day. I can't sleep. There is much on my mind, much that has happened within our home and much that has happened outside its doors.

There I find myself, scrolling through message after message in my Instagram inbox. The day before I had posted about an issue important to me, an issue that would engage big feelings and bigger opinions. If you have known me for a while, you would know I do not shy away from difficult issues. But, here, in the early morning moments, I knew I had a problem. The authors of these messages didn't know me, or thought they knew me, or wanted something different from me and had gathered their words to let me know.

"It's sad that this account has become political," "leave your personal opinions to yourself and start dancing again," "you need to educate yourself," "now I have to unfollow," and "I wish you would talk less about yourself and more about your kids.

Yeah. I had a problem. I had established my Instagram page years ago to be a place of refuge for worn out moms, for people wanting to learn more about emotional health and wellness, and to be a place where our friends and family could check in. It was safe. It honestly reflected me. It honestly shared our family.

Years ago, when I was in the depths of postpartum depression, my therapist and I made a discovery. I had an addiction. It wasn't food, or booze (though I loved to drink), or money or shopping that had me stuck in unhealthy behavior. No. It was the love of other people, specifically defined through approval. I was, essentially, an approval addict. What does that mean? That means Courtney would do just about anything to maintain the approval of people she had given attention to; even if that meant sacrificing her health, her happiness, her integrity, her whole self. And this Courtney, this Courtney writing these words, still feels the lure of the love of others while recognizing how detrimental it is to her well being.

So. For someone like me, Instagram can be dangerous. Especially with our rapid growth.

For a bit there, I did slip back into old patterns of behavior. I decided to show up less on the page, and only feature the boys. I believed that the value I brought and all that I worked for in my career and education would need to be used elsewhere. Afraid of losing followers and momentum, I hid in my stories and found that the story feature was not a safe place to be myself either. And slowly, the familiar feelings of unworthiness started to settle. I forgot my own teachings on healthy boundaries and absorbed the negative comments flying at me. "Less of you. More of them." And almost on cue, I felt deeply burdened by our page and frequently talked to Josh about shutting it all down. I was losing myself, again.

It was like someone had come into our home and re-furnished it with furniture that just didn't fit.

Thankfully during the years of postpartum I made another discovery that has continued to show to be faithful in my life. The gift of honest friendship and accountability. When I have the "burn it all to the ground" thought (which I do often) I know I am in need of support. This time I reached out to my therapist, my business coach and my friend who specializes in marketing and online branding.

And together they listened and together a new plan emerged.

So here is the scoop-it is important for me to continue to teach emotional wellness and boundaries online while speaking on difficult topics as a means to pattern and lead healthy dialogue. It is who I am as much as it is necessary for my career. It is also important for there to be clarity and consistency with the content on our page. I understand and validate that most folks who follow us follow for dancing and laughter, not emotional deep dives and discussion around polarizing topics.

With these things in mind, I have decided to start an additional Instagram page, separating the two. Our current account will remain a place for family happenings, dancing and non-profits we love. My new page will be a place for emotional health teaching, thoughts, etc.

I know we each have a buffet of choices to follow on social media and I wholeheartedly contend that the accounts we follow must be those that add to our wellness pies, not frustrate or distract us. My goal is that I can offer you goodness and hope on both pages in different ways.

One final thought - I understand the underbelly of the beast now, and have been the subject of many harsh comments. I know that those comments had more to do with the person typing them than they did about me but words matter. Language matters. So before you send a seering comment across the interweb-think first about its impact and your motives. Are you interested in a healthy discussion or are you motivated by a need to be right or heard? Will your comment add value to the discussion or reduce the value of the person it is directed towards? What is it that you are trying to accomplish and is that a reasonable ask through a medium such as social media?

I'll end with this though-for every terrible comment there have been hundreds of positive ones. People are good. People are kind. I hold onto these truths because I have witnessed it.