You Can Let Go
My therapist’s office is light blue-greenish. It is a calm color, a color that doesn’t disturb the thoughts and words that land on its walls. It is a tight room, with just enough space to feel held. Here in this calm room is where I learned how to hold myself, through it all. More importantly, I learned that if I were to continue to walk down the road of emotional health, I was going to have to “let it go” like Elsa. What did I have to let go? A whole bunch of stuff. One of the hardest and most crucial was my obsession with other people’s thoughts opinions of me. I had longed equated approval with love. So when people were happy with me then I was loved. The only problem; my happiness and peace was the sacrificial offering for the satisfaction and approval of others.
Together, in that blue-greenish room, my therapist and I walked through and defined my realm of control. My boundaries. My hula-hoop. She, essentially, taught me where Courtney ended and the world began. I had spent so much time making sure my worlds, family and social circles liked me that I had no understanding of my own autonomy. I didn’t know if I liked me. I didn’t know me. Learning the discipline of boundaries walked me back to myself. Back to the girl that had given herself away time and time again only to be left feeling bitter, resentful, exhausted and lost. She and I started again, with new language and new hope. Now, I understand exactly where Courtney ends and the world begins.
Boundaries, simply defined, is your realm of control, or as my therapist and I call it; your hula-hoop. In each of our hula-hoops are the things we can control in any given day, in any given circumstance. The answer is JUST OURSELVES. JUST YOU. You are the only thing you can control in any given day. In your hoop is your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, the way you care for your body, your choices, your behavior, your reactions, your finances, YOU. Not your children, not your spouse, not your momma or your daddy or the ladies in your church group or your friends or the guy in the target check-out line. The world is outside of your hoop.
So what does that mean for people-pleasers like me? Well, it means that we can be free. When we understand that people’s thoughts and opinions about us are outside of our realms of control, we can go on living our lives accordingly.
What about for those of us who don’t love conflict? Yep! Boundaries are gift for us too. Boundaries help us understand that it is okay if others are mad at us. If we make a choice for our lives that other people do not agree with we can respectfully choose to allow them to hold their opinions without the opinion impacting what we believe about ourselves. Remember-they reside outside of our realms of control.
How about my control freaks? What about you? As a recovering perfectionist (because I wanted to maintain perfection so everyone loved me) I can assure you that boundaries can and will help you breathe a little easier. When I learned that I didn’t need to control every environment, every person, every outcome; I got healthier. My anxiety reduced significantly. I let go of micro-managing my husband (still working on this), let my kids just be kids, allowed others to be themselves, and when on about my business. Like I said before, freedom.
Other areas that thrive with boundaries include around our time (for those who are chronically late or workaholics), social media (turn it off friends!), food, shopping, alcohol, all of it. Limits on good things keep them good.
Here is what I want you to remember - THE BIG SECRET. We can only set boundaries around OUR LIVES, NOT ON OTHERS. Because remember…the world is not in our hoop, right? Right.
If you are interested in learning more about boundaries, keep an eye out for my upcoming Fall online course. There is so much more to the skill, BUT starting with a simple “no thank you, that doesn’t work for me” will get you on your way to reclaiming your mental and emotional wellness! The hula-hoop really does change the game! You can do this.